#20 - Breaking Even
#20 - Breaking Even
Why breaking even in the arts isn't just about money
So much discourse in theatre understandably centres on financial stability. In fact it seems like we have allowed finances to be the main indicator of whether we are doing ok.
Now of course I understand this. We are in a cost of living crisis and it is very clear that theatre is a form that financially undervalues its skilled and talented workers. But during this past year I have begun to realise that in order to persist in this challenging and often disheartening career that our emotional stability is often just as important as our financial stability however it is rarely discussed.
This is further exacerbated by the fact that in many cases we opted for a career in the arts fully aware that it might not provide a stable and straightforward way to make a living but that we made that decision certain that we wanted to do something we loved and were passionate about. But in a time of great financial instability the fact that theatre is so often emotionally draining is a further blow. It is also fair to say that unlike some careers, making theatre actively and regularly requires a profound emotional engagement in every part of it.
So often, we are asked to put so much of ourselves into projects and jobs, and it is rarely acknowledged that even if we are being paid, we are often not being repaid the emotional cost or personal cost that comes from making work in a field that thrives on scarcity, good intentions, and ungrounded promises.
Over the past years I have been through a serious health journey. This, in addition to the pandemic which we have all been through has led me to undergo a great deal of introspection which has in turn caused me reframe my thinking significantly. I have realised that in addition to financial balance I was also going to seek regular emotional balance in the work I undertook. This has led me to start using the phrases:
‘Emotional Break Even’ and ‘Energetically Balanced’
These phrases acts as a provocation and question to myself and those I’m working with. They ask, will this project, this undertaking, this period of time, this series of goals and outcomes and tasks, will they end with a feeling of emotional stability. Will this specific endeavour and unit of action and collaboration and creation end with a feeling of balance. Will the energy I put in match the energy I get out. It ignores the hypothetical future steps or outcomes, future potential reputational gains, future unknowable positives and focuses on the actual tangible things that the project or activity will require in the present and short-term. I have realised that if we don’t do this, that theatre and the creative arts are very good at forcing all of us into a mindset where we have to work in an energetically unstable way now to get some unknowable benefits later.
I have come to realise that emotional debt operates differently to financial debt, because the further we get in our lives and careers, the more cumulative outstanding emotional debts we have that no amount of luck or opportunity can possibly repay. Theatre thrives on asking us to go into emotional debt on the slim likelihood of a big future payout that happens so rarely and thus further reinforces a capitalistic notion of a few lucky winners set against a wide field of burnt out losers. Working in theatre sometimes feels like eschewing a reliable job to instead spend our wages at a casino in the hope of one big jackpot to make everything work out. But like a casino, the odds are stacked against the player and favour a system unwilling to acknowledge the labour of tens of thousands of individuals in service to a system that rewards only a few.
For many years I would get involved in or drive forward projects and ideas that were devoid of any short term emotional repayment but were predicated on the promise that if I kept putting enough time and energy into something, that somehow or someday I would be repaid. And I am here to tell you that this almost never happens.
Since I develop new work I am often at the beginning of ideas and projects. As time has gone on I have discovered that I don’t always get to be there for the middle or the end. Sometimes this is because there is no middle or end, or sometimes because projects change shape or need different things, or gain new collaborators or routes. This is not always a bad thing, but in these cases it is especially tough if the first phase has been emotionally unstable and required a lot of emotional and energetic loss on the promise of a future that never came, or on a repayment of energy that never was on the cards.
Everyone knows that feeling of going into emotional debt on a project. Of going beyond what you can and should safely offer and offering more on the belief that somewhere and somehow it will get paid back in the future; through success, or future opportunities, or the next stage of development, or a future collaboration. We have all felt the push to go into emotional debt now and reap the huge emotional payout later. But I am here to remind myself and everyone reading that that hardly ever happens. More often that not no one will benefit from your emotional loss and sometimes careless people will benefit from energy you gave without ever realising or having the decency to repay it when they can.
But lest this sound like a sob story, it isn’t. I have learned that it often is my fault when I choose to work regularly at an emotional loss, to go into emotional debt, and it is my choice to set the boundaries of what emotional stability looks like. The majority of situations I have burnt out in and acted in a way that I am not proud of is due to those I was working with not understanding the unspoken or undiscussed emotional labours being put into projects. This was partially my fault for not being clear at the outset and understanding an intrinsic need to be involved in work that cared about my need to emotionally break even.
I will caveat that I do believe that people rarely go into a project seeking to push those involved into emotional debt. Everyone wants to make something beautiful. I’ve been broken by projects and projects have broken me. I’ve hurt people and been hurt. But I have come to realise that if you aren’t rigorous enough at looking at the emotional investment; the inputs and outputs of a project then unfortunately this pattern will repeat itself again and again.
So here are my new guidelines for a healthier relationship with work in the arts:
Only do work that you know will be emotionally break even
If work is at risk of going into overall emotional debt then name it, and either course correct, or get out.
Try to reframe every beginning as the whole story. A beginning should have its own satisfying beginning, middle and end, and if it leads nowhere then you should be able to look at that beginning in itself as emotionally break even.
Don’t do anything that will lead to too much emotional debt now on the future promise of transfers, better paid future life or other outcomes that might happen if something goes well.
Aspire to work with people who look to create emotionally stable situations or on things that will repay you emotionally at each stage.
Work with people who understand and care about the terms of what it means to make work that is emotionally break even and who understand the emotional cost of the work you are all doing in addition to the financial cost.
Know that doing something emotionally unstable now because of what it might lead to later is always a mistake.
If you need to take on work that you fear might be emotionally unstable due to material or financial pressures, then try and put as many systems of care in place for you and those working on the project.
I have been trying to live by these philosophies for over a year now and it has hugely improved everything about my life. So don’t just ask what a project pays, or what it might lead to if everything goes right (though we need to ask those questions too). But in addition, ask if it is likely to emotionally break even in the here and now. Ask if those you are working with understand the need for the energy in and out to balance.
Theatre very rarely breaks even. We shouldn’t be paying for the deficits with our own emotions.
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Some more things
My new theatre company timelapse has begun its first project, a collaboratively written new musical in association with New Diorama’s Intervention 01. We are archiving the process here and you can join our mailing list here.
Also my first solo show which has been newly renamed Anything That We Wanted To Be is going to be up at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe at the beautiful Summerhall. If you or your friends are planning a trip I would be grateful at you adding the show to your lists. It’s a play with songs about what-ifs, parallel universes and learning to accept the choices you made rather than regretting the ones you didn’t. 12:30pm at Summerhall’s Cairns Lecture Theatre from 2th-27th August. You can read more about that here
I wrote about the process of making the show in a previous substack post which you can read here
You may have noticed that I have now started calling this my first solo show because - and I can hardly believe this - I’m working on my second solo show. I will have some more news about that soon and am really excited about it.
Thank you so much for subscribing and for reading and I will see you soon,
Adam x